[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
i smell a pulitzer
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.