I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is