Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*looks at you in batman voice*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
LOL!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.