I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.