My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!