Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
A friend helps you before you need it
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.