How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
My wedding will be open casket.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”