Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.