I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
life finds a way
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.