Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.