Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.