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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.