*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.