me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.