Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?