Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU