[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue