Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Jail
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
me after eating Cheetos
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*