Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works