Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Worth the read.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
*watches the world burn*
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.