When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look