Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The Book. The Movie.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.