[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.