4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
is this how new cars are made??
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.