I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.