The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard