2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
You Might Also Like
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
a badder mouse
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Meat Cute
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK