Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.