[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
the short answer to this question
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.