48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Perfection.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you