The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
thank god
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.