My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]