My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit