having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
You Might Also Like
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Every time my phone rings
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room