Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
This one’s “Alex”.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me :
All Day At Night
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online