“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay