When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.