If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
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HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.