You Might Also Like
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.