[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.