I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Meow
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.