Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.