I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.