Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.