Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Life with a cat in one tweet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Something Saturday.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.