My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Overindulged this afternoon.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Happy birthday to all the women
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”