One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
yes… yes…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*