I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I’m sorry…what?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her