My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.