*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
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Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Happy thanksgiving!
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again